Sex & Coffee, No Conversation

Have you ever looked at someone and immediately decide that they’re boring in bed, or that they don’t have a good sex life? What was it about them that made you think you could assume what their love-making was like? I know, I cringed at “love-making” as well but what else am I supposed to say? Fucking? Banging? Coitus? Having a romp? Screwing? Shagging? Copulating? Rolling in the hay? Having a romp? Intercourse? Making the beast with two backs? Or my personal favourite, losing sleep? It doesn’t really matter what I term I use, so long as you know what I mean.

And what I mean is that you can’t really tell, at least not by the way a person carries themselves. At the very least I think you’d have to dance with someone before you can even begin to form an opinion, and that’s why I don’t really dance, ‘cause fuck it ladies you can find out the hard way, pun intended.

But that’s just one of my opinions, and those are just like orgasms, you only really care about your own don’t you?

Just like people that smoke, we’re all a bunch of selfish fucks when it comes to sex. Don’t get me wrong, I use smoke as well and I know it’s a terrible habit, but I enjoy it. It feels great, especially on those cold mornings or whenever it’s raining; but it wasn’t until this year that smoking turned into more than just “something I do when drunk”. You know what I’m talking about; like how some people only dance when they’ve had a few or how the introverts turn into social butterflies once they have some of that liquid courage. We all get that, but you know what I don’t? Smoking in bed after you’ve had a good slap and tickle.

I don’t personally know anyone that does this, or maybe do I and they’re just really good at keeping secrets, whichever it is, it isn’t something I could get in to. I’ve always thought of smoking as something you only did outdoors and in clubs or bars. As much as I love doing it (There’s the L word again AND a double entendre) I would never light one up in bed or even in my own house; first reason being that it is a fire hazard, second the mess it could make and third being the smell that will undoubtedly linger afterwards. Because who’s going to have to clean that up? Whoever the fuck smoked, that’s who.

We all have to take responsibility for our actions, and that means cleaning up our messes. This isn’t limited to the ash we leave behind when we burn and inhale those little rolls of tobacco, nicotine and tar. This includes the food and drink we spill, the beds we wreck and the promises we tell, everything has consequences and those are more often bad than good.

This is all part of growing up and being an adult, which sometimes just feels like doing things to look productive, getting tired, telling other adults about how tired you are and then trying to find the time to sleep. You’d think we’d sleep more on the weekends but everyone wants to do activities and be social then, and that to me is just a whole other headache. Why can’t we keep to ourselves and call that the norm? People are the worst, but not you though, since you’ve made it all the way to paragraph six.

Because if you’ve made it all the way here without having your eyes glaze over then we obviously agree about some of these things, or you hate everything I’ve said and just can’t help your curiosity. Whatever your reason, if you had to choose between going out and staying home every weekend for the rest of your life, which would you pick? I’d like to assume that we’d all go for the latter, because while a lot of people enjoy the social life, we all need down time. Time to ourselves or with the people we love, not doing anything specific or even talking, because you don’t need words to enjoy someone’s company. All you really need is proximity and a mutual understanding.

How many people can you just be around without feeling the need to talk or interact directly? Have you ever started a real conversation with someone you’ve never spoken to without having to go through “small-talk”? Do you enjoy “small-talk”? Or would you rather talk about the meaning of life and everything in between over a hot cup of coffee? Do you think that you give everyone you talk to good conversation? Or are you just filling empty spaces in time with useless words and questions about the weather? And when was the last time one of your “hellos” turned into a seven hour, deep and meaningful conversation?

Now I know that may be a really specific duration to reference and there’s good reason for that, though I will not share that with you, at least not today. Because there are some things that you just shouldn’t share, things best kept secret or as reminders. Footnotes in these books we call our lives to take us back to simpler times, because our stories can get so ridiculously complicated that we lose track of the main plot and get lost on our side quests. We need reminders, things to guide us back to where we should be, life is to be lived and you can’t do that while you’re constantly focused on something else.

Getting distracted is easy, case-in-point would be this piece, because how did I get here when I started out talking about sex? Is it a metaphor for life? Are our beds are our lives? Are our lovers the people we share our time with? Is what we do together is just us living? Because you could be lying there doing nothing, putting in all the effort while someone else enjoys the show or it’s a perfect two way thing and you’re both just going to town on each other. What I’m saying is, like sex, life is all about the effort you put in, but not just for anyone, it’s effort for the right people and for the right things. All you have to decide is what that actually means for you.

And do you know what’s right? To you I mean, and is it set in stone? Does it change with every situation you’re in? Are you one of those people that will chastise someone for littering but then do the same when no one else is looking? Do you turn a blind-eye to wrongs being done if you know the people involved? You could try to justify it by calling it human nature, by saying that everyone does it but you can’t know that for sure. There are good people in the world, people that are still trying to make it a better place to leave behind; and if you can’t say for sure that you’re one of them, are you part of the problem?

Those are great places to start if you ever want to have a real conversation with someone. Talk about what’s wrong with the world and ask them about things you think they’ll disagree with, speak about issues that make people uncomfortable, or just ask random, weird questions. To me, those are the best; because who wants to be normal when you can be weird and interesting, that will work better than any pickup line and if it doesn’t, just be glad you didn’t waste your time.

But do you come here often? (Too often now). What’s a beautiful thing like you doing in a place like this? (Being disappointed). Are you single? (No, I’m insert-name-here). Don’t do anything stupid (Are you something smart then?). There are a heap of other lines I could add but you get my point. Pickup lines are fun but they should only ever be that, because you can’t walk up to someone out of nowhere and say “I believe you are what you eat, and by tomorrow, I want to be you”.

That being said, you really are what you eat so don’t eat up those lines, and don’t use them unless you’re trying to be funny or just want a one-night-stand. Don’t do those asinine challenges that everyone does and posts on the internet, the mannequin ones were great but stay away from the ones with the condoms and all that kind of stuff. Don’t believe everything you see on the internet or even on the news, don’t be a sheep or a slave to the masses, do your own research and form your own opinions about things. Don’t smoke in bed, you might start a fire and the only heat that should be in the bedroom is the kind that comes for losing a few hours of sleep with someone you’re comfortable being freaky with. Don’t waste your time with boring sex. Don’t miss a chance to meet a friend for coffee and don’t waste your time drinking if you don’t love the taste of alcohol. Don’t shy away from any chances you get to be better and never miss a chance to make a pun, it doesn’t matter if no-one else laughs, so long as you enjoy it. Try not to overthink everything you just read, give someone a sincere compliment today and the next time you see a horse, ask “Why the long face?”

Sex, Coffee & Conversation

If you’re tired right now? If you’ve had a long day and all you want to do is relax mentally then I suggest you don’t read on, come back later. I’m not saying that you won’t enjoy this but I haven’t written anything good enough to post in a while so this may get a little complicated and I just might try to make you think as hard as I have. But hey, if you’re into that sort of thing then, by all means…

What do you love?

Do you know what I love? A whole lot of things apparently, because I throw the word around like an emoji when referring to the most mundane of things. People say that doing this takes away from what the word means; like calling everything you enjoy awesome or saying that everything small is cute or adorable. To be honest I don’t really know what I think about that, and to be even more honest I do, I’m just having trouble putting it into words.

But I’ll try anyway.

So, let’s say for the sake of making a point, that you’re the kind of person to say that you love things, liberally. You’re the kind of person to look at dinner or a cup of coffee and proclaim that you love it, or tell a person that you love them just because you’re happy about something they’ve done or said, even though you don’t. If you’re that type of person, and you tell another, someone that you have real feelings for that you love them, does it really mean anything? Has your generous usage of the word taken away its meaning and prestige? Should someone believe your assertion of love when they’ve seen you state the same to flowers or bowls of food? People spend years trying to find the meaning to life, does us knowing and misusing the meanings of words mean that everything we say be scrutinised? I don’t think so.

Now let me try to tell you why.

It is all about context. The way we interpret the situations, people or objects we attach words to. I might come across a new flavour of ice cream and say that I love it, then turn around a tell my significant other the same thing. This obviously doesn’t mean that I have the same feelings for both but it does make the ones I feel for the latter seem less significant than they are. The problem with this is that the meanings I place on the word in both situations are entirely different. Similar to one clarification of the heart I enjoy saying; I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.

And what does love even mean? If anything at all.

Ask any “intellectual” and they’ll tell you about the seven types of love according to the ancient Greeks (go and Google this if you’re not familiar, I’m not going to tell you) and then go on to explain the definitions of each as well as state their differences. This is great if you want that sort of thing, but personally, I think that it’s a whole lot of shite. Love, if you do believe in it, can only be defined by whoever feels it. It’s a personal emotion and only we really know what it means to us individually, we may attempt to express it through words or other means, but when was the last time you said something and knew for certain that you person or people you were talking to understood exactly what you meant? People talk about love in different ways and it’s likely that we all feel differently about it as well, even if the differences are miniscule.

So, do you believe in love or has life brought out the cynic in you? I don’t know where I stand on this to be honest; part of me wants to be the eternal optimist and romantic, part of me thinks it to not be worth the effort and another part of me just wants to have another glass of whisky and watch the sunrise while I curse the sky for being so fucking blue.

Because that’s what normal people do right? Watch the colours of the sky and think about life and death. I’d like to think that it’s because I have a healthy mind that my thoughts bubble out of control and get carried this way but, is it? You be the judge. 

Have you ever wondered why human beings decided to divide and name the days of the week the way they did? Or why we so rigidly obey the clock? Who thought to divide the duration of the earth’s orbit of the sun into 365 and a quarter segments? And then split those into 24 parts all over again? It takes 31, 557, 600 seconds for all of this to happen; but it only takes a few to either sit in adoration at the supposedly overwhelming math involved or decide to leave the pondering to someone else. I’m a giant math nerd so I’m going to opt for the latter… because it really isn’t that complicated and I have a whole other list of things to overthink; like what will happen when my life ends.

When I die I don’t want to be buried, I don’t want to be cremated and then scattered over some place that people think I hold dear only to join with the earth again, and I don’t want to be kept in an urn and placed on a shelf. I guess you could say confinement is an issue for me, even after death because, who knows what comes next. What I do want is for my ashes to be turned into fireworks and set off over the sea towards the sunset. To literally go out with a bang against a gorgeous backdrop so that what the people I love remember is not just a sad day, but a beautiful memory of an afternoon where they got to forget what was wrong in the world, even if just for a few minutes.

What do you think people will say at your funeral? What do you hope they say? Do those two overlap? Are they similar or are they so different that it distresses you? I don’t think much will be said at mine, nor do I want there to be. I write a lot but I don’t like to speak in copious amounts, even if I wanted to I don’t think that I could. I can’t do this unless I’m making fun of my friends and they’ll tell you I never shut up. Because I live through humour and making people laugh to the point of annoyance is ridiculously amusing. There is nothing I enjoy more than seeing a smile on someone’s face and knowing that I’m the reason it’s there.

That’s actually a bit of a lie, there are a lot of things that I get the same amount of satisfaction from, if not more. Sex is one, and who doesn’t like a good romp? But that can lead to smiles being put on faces (among other things) so it doesn’t really count, I just felt I should mention it because it’s in the title. 

That’s another thing worth talking about, our sense of obligation. What do you only do because you feel that you’re obliged to? Are you friendly to your neighbours just because of your shared proximity even though you hate them? Do you eat healthy because it’s the responsible thing to do? Do you greet everyone you meet at the shops with the same forced baring of the teeth you call a smile just because it’s polite? And do you give to the homeless and needy just because you feel that you’d be looked at differently if you didn’t? Or do you do these things because you’re a good person?

Would you still do these “good things” if you knew that no-one would notice?

“A man is least himself when he talks in his own person, give him a mask and he will tell you the truth” Oscar Wilde

When I first read that, it blew my mind. The clump of words flipped my understanding of people (Which wasn’t very good anyway) on its head and made me look at them in a whole new light, it made me absurdly sceptical of “intentions”. People will say a lot but how much of that do they really mean? How much of what is said out loud can you trust? And how much of what you say is real? I know I’m not the type to say exactly what is on my mind at any given time though, like most people I hold a lot back. I keep things to myself because I know that if whoever I’m talking to disagrees, I’ll either be too lazy to counter or I will and they won’t enjoy being proven wrong. Yes, I am that confident about the things I do say but I will admit it when I’m wrong… whenever that happens.

So I hope you made it to the end without getting bored brainless, even though I know I have. I hope you say all the words that you mean and I hope you don’t second guess yourself or overthink what other people say. I hope you get to feel love in all its forms, and I hope the person that came into your mind when you read that knows how you feel. I hope a pretty stranger smiles at you and I hope that the next time you try to give away or put down a baby that you’re holding, the little angel holds on to you.

And, I hope that you’re as sure of yourself as I am of me right now, if you aren’t, I hope you get here soon.