It is out of the ashes that the phoenix rises; but that does not have to be you.
Severely sleep deprived but here I am, at work at 6:30 in the morning. Struggling to keep my eyes from shutting, mind; dead, and barely able to keep myself from yawning. I’m calling this a good work ethic but really, I just like having something to do. Even if that something is too much, I don’t question it. Its too soon.
It’s almost noon and I’ve only written 79 words; One paragraph and a sorry excuse of a title, but it’s really been a blur. Something to do and a distraction, you know how some people get hammered to dull the pain? Some of us don’t, some take a different escape.
But hey, don’t be fooled, it’s all the same; the days still break and the nights will keep going on for days. We may head different ways, rewrite directions and the games, but it’s only ourselves that we play. No matter the route, we end up in the same place.
So, what should we change? Let us go back to that stupid title.
It is out of the ashes that the phoenix rises; but that does not have to be you. What I mean is that I know that you’re strong, but it isn’t the pain that makes you, you.
A week and a bit later, Saturday, I’m stuck in the office, but this is my own doing. Still sleep deprived, a thousand trains of thought crossing my mind, but let’s get through this. You know, people can be great without this struggle, the self-imposed muddle, and you can too. We all go through hard times, but the “need to” does not brighten our shines, it’s just the dark that make any glow look like a blinding hue.
Did you know that lemons wouldn’t have happened on their own? They aren’t natural. Somewhere along the way someone thought combining a bitter orange, and a citron would be great, even if its a bit unusual. Life never gave us lemons, we made them ourselves. It’s like how it’s said we have our own demons, be it the real or imagined ones, but have you ever considered that you might be creating your own hell?
It’s Sunday now and yes, I am still at my desk, though at least now I’ve gotten some sleep. I am still tired and this life is still doing in my mind, disappointed that writing does not give me the same relief.
Whelve – To bury something deep; to hide.
Now, what did you bury this year?
It’s been a long while since I’ve posted anything here but, is this really a need? It’s been an age since I’ve had anything worth sharing, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve given you anything to read.
It’s been too long since I’ve talked to you, and that is absolutely on me. I can’t even remember what I last said to you, not a sentence or even a word made it through, and now, the difference between me then and now; you will see.
Believe me, I really have tried.
Okay, no, that’s a lie.
You see, this year has been great and I haven’t needed to be back. I got myself purpose in spades, life is good and the future is on track.
But that’s changed.
A few minutes ago I had reality smack me in the face, in all honesty I didn’t want to get back to this. I thought I was done with this page, on to another, but, I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it.
“iTs sUpPoSEd tO bE gEt oVeR tHe bRiDge” Well, this is called a malaphor; it’s a fucking blend of idioms. Im pretty sure I told you this before, either that or I’m remembering wrong, that does happen a lot. Hopefully though, this disappointment is premium.
This is one of those times when all I’m thinking is, I shouldn’t have tried so damn hard. Minimal effort for the same reward, not doing my best, not trying at all, and I would have ended up right here. Just my fucking luck.
Yeah, I’m frustrated, but let’s bury that for a bit. Because holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, it’s like ike thinking someone else is going to start choking, just because your throat got slit.
So yes, it’s been a while since I’ve said anything to you, but the universe isn’t in a rush. And I don’t really think it matters how long it’s been; it could be decades, years, or months. Even if you’ve changed and don’t like what you read, even if I’m different and these words aren’t what you need, maybe they’ll just be enough.
I’ve heard a lot of things said this year, things that have forced me to learn. And yeah, I’ve said my fair share, and told people things that have no meaning or are at best, blurred. Did you pay attention to the things you heard? Did you really understand what people meant when they spoke? I know you understand the words, but did you hear all the stories those words evoked?
Even the good should be taken with some salt, because it is only they that can mislead. Now here’s where I tell you all that I know, hopefully these are the things you need to read.
So, do you want to talk about it? Or would you rather a distraction?
Take a minute to think about that while I go off on a tangent, we’ll circle back in time. I know I’ve said many things I haven’t gone through yet, but this won’t be over for a while. So it’s fine to think times running out, and maybe you’re right and it is. But that shouldn’t be all you worry about, if so, there will be so much that you will miss.
Because this isn’t all there is, there could be a thousand things left to come. You may have seen a lot in the time that you’ve lived, but if you haven’t felt alive in a while yet, I promise you, you’re not done. You’re young and this life is so much more than what you’ve seen, give it a chance. No matter how many times you’ve been around the sun, don’t feign; of the this life, you’ve only caught a glance.
You’ve seen a speck of the world so far, a lot of it still hides. There are sunsets and sunrises you haven’t stared at, people and places you haven’t been to or met yet, rush out into the world and open your eyes. Realise how little we know, and I’m not saying that to condescend. Just try to go through life with a little wonder in your eyes, make regret the one thing that you never have.
Because 2019 is nearly over and I think you should look at how far youve come. It could have been bad and you may have lost a lot, but you made it through; you won.
So take the win for what it really is, a chance for you to take your breath. I know that may be difficult but, stay still, breathe and try to relax. Thats what you need, this is what you deserve. Some time out from beating yourself down all day, teach that to yourself. Life wont force you to learn.
You’ll burn up before you should, if you keep going the way you do. You worry about what you did or didn’t, but who can change the past? Not you.
Now here’s something I’ve been thinking about, and just a warning, it’s not anything profound. It may be something you’ve heard before, may even be something you’ve thought about. I’m sure you’ve heard of the butterfly effect, how insignificant acts can have effects that can be vast. How it’s talked about in time-travel, how you’re supposed to be careful lest you change the present while you’re in the past.
By doing something small when you’re there, you may not recognise what you see when you come back. Now why don’t we think the same of our acts in the present? Remember, no matter how small you think what you do is right now, it’s impossible to know your effects.
What I’m saying is, change the future today, dont wait for tomorrow. Don’t wait for next year or for some sort of sign, time is the one thing we cannot borrow. Do the little things now even if you cant see where they lead, maybe it’ll work out somehow. And in the middle of all that work, take time to breathe, there’s no better time for that, than right now.
It’s out of the ashes that the phoenix rises, but that does not have to be you. Learn to be more than your pain, you’re worth far more than the things you’ve been through.
“Cineri gloria sera venit”
An epigram of Martial.
Literal meaning: “To the ashes glory is too late.”