Muffins & Hot Chocolate: Alis Propriis Volat

You think you’re a wallflower, but really you’re a painting hanging on the wall of a gallery that everyone wants to visit. You’re the work of art that everyone asks about, the one that every artist wishes they created. To try to describe you in words would only do a disservice to all that you are, but heaven knows I will try my best. To do you justice is my goal, the hardest task I think I have ever attempted.

If the last time we talked were the last time that happened, would be happy with the way it went? Would you wish we said more or less? Would you want to try again?

I ask these questions not for myself but for everyone you know, because no-one really gets to ask them. We waste copious amounts of time going over scenarios in our minds that may not ever come to fruition, gnawing over could-have-been’s and what-if’s about situations where we ignored our intuitions, when we should have listened.

Listen, and try to understand, not just to form a reply, don’t overthink what I’m projecting I haven’t yet broken the ice. Our minds race a million miles even before anyone is close to the middle of reaching their conclusions, we meander towards self-gratification when we should be fighting for resolution.

Resolution and peace, but never be complacent with mediocrity. You deserve the best, this we both desire; do not resist but fight with me.

I know everyone has their ups and downs, and you may have experienced more of the second. Even if you doubt it, better things will come. You just need to keep going, even if you fail, go on living but take your lessons. Because life will teach us better than any one person can, we only have to listen. Understand what it endeavours to teach us, take head of its mission.

It is a tiring journey and it can be beautiful, but that depends on the eyes we see it through. Because I can see the things that have gone wrong, then my gaze shifts to you, and honestly you’re unbelievable. I can hope all I want for you to see what I do, but that isn’t up to my judgement. You only see yourself through your own eyes and with your own mind, those are jewels of their own right, but have they come to see what I have yet?

I see a person possessing a heart of gold, thawed by your own warmth, even if the exterior seems cold at the start. Eyes that lead to a deep soul and a mind that holds so much more than anyone could ever know, a person I’d be lucky to explore but I don’t know if I’m brave enough.

But that is only my opinion, what you think of yourself is infinitely more important.

I’m not trying to be right, or the one that say’s “I told you so” when you realise how amazing you are, because being right doesn’t matter. What others think of you is none of your business and your own thoughts are much more significant, I hope for you more of the positive latter.

So think yourself the wallflower all you want, just know that you’re admired. As sure as the sun sets and rises again, the appreciation will not expire.

Alis propriis volat (Latin) – She flies with her own wings.

The literal translation of the phrase is actually gender neutral but is often done so with a “she” because it was originally used to describe nations, which are usually described as feminine.

It Gets Better: Forsan miseros meliora sequentur

What would you do if you knew the world was going to end tomorrow?

When you were young, did you believe in Santa Claus? Did you write letters and hope that you were good enough that year to stay off the “naughty list”? Did you believe in the Easter Bunny? Did you get excited about a visit from the Tooth Fairy every time a tooth came loose? Or did you know it was all bullshit?

I can’t remember believing in any of those things, what I do remember is thinking that the notion that imaginary creatures brought toys, chocolate eggs or money to kids was a little silly, okay I thought it was downright fuckery. First of all, it is physically impossible for Chris Cringle make the trip delivering gifts in a single night, even considering the time differences there is still the fact that not every house has a fucking chimney. Secondly, come on.

How’s that for an argument? “Come on”.

Now it probably sounds like I was a terrible kid to be around; with all my negativity and unnecessary logic. I was unpopular, but for the most part I was just loud and cheerful, and I didn’t try to ruin the myths other kids believed in. Which I think is important; not the myths, but the belief.

You can disagree with someone all you want, but if what they do does not directly affect you, then is it really any of your business? Is you having an opinion warranted or in any way useful? Because at some point all you really are is a comment or like on a Facebook status, you’re one voice in a crowd shouting at a singer on stage like they can actually hear what you’re saying; you gave something your attention but what now? Nothing, it doesn’t change anything.

So what about the people that are actually doing wrong? The criminals, politicians, adulterers and frauds, do we just ignore them without consequence? Or is it different? 

Consecutive synonyms aside, it is different. Those are issues of morality, what’s right or wrong and they’re everyone’s business, but don’t get that confused with your opinions on how someone lives their life in private.

The children that believed in Father Christmas and all that other nonsense did so in innocent acceptance. They were told something and they took it to be the truth, I didn’t agree with it but where they thought their gifts came from didn’t affect me; I still got mine and they theirs. The differences in how we were raised and what we believed in didn’t really matter, what did matter was that we could get along.

And we did.

As we get older we notice more, we start to see similarities where we once only saw differences and differences in things we thought were inseparable. You start to see that the world you once thought was just black and white turns into shades of grey, and as we progress those dreary tones become a spectrum of colours that we thought were only possible in a sky filled with fireworks after the countdown to the New Year. 

The New Year that you used to celebrate in the company of your siblings and parents, company that turned into extended family and then your friends, backyards that turned into clubs and dinners that turned into nights you can’t remember with all the people you hold dear. Before you know it, you’re embracing and kissing your soul mate to the sound of colourful explosions in the sky, a painfully beautiful idea.

It’s too beautiful to miss out on even if it isn’t your idea of happiness; maybe you’re just tired, maybe your feet hurt and all you want to do is take a long shower and lay down for a while. Maybe your happiness lies in the company of friends or a successful career.

I don’t know, you’ll find out when you get there.

And you’ll only find out if you keep moving forward, progressing; by all means remember and cherish the past but don’t get stuck inside it. Don’t get so caught up in what you think someone else shouldn’t be doing that you lose sight of what you should. Don’t let yourself get caught in hating someone or letting yourself be bothered by what someone else believes, those are roads to bitterness and disappointment and if you’ve been there before or are there now, I just hope you’re learning. 

I hope you’re getting better even if it is just by an inch at a time; progress is progress, love is love and hate is a cycle you shouldn’t ever let yourself get trapped in. Put one foot in front of the other or bring them to the same standing, whatever you do make sure you absorb all even if you feel like you’re losing. Life is the cruellest teacher there is and you can loath the lessons all you want, but you’ll hate yourself more for wasting the opportunity to learn and become a better you because of them.

Live, learn and love.

Misguided Memories: Tempus Edax Rerum

“If you had the chance to start over with someone, would you go back in time to meet them again, or would you choose to not have met them at all?”

I’m not particularly fond of reminiscing, although it seems a good thing to do. It seems like a great way to connect with people; remembering the “good times” and all the things that have happened, but I’ve never really been one for socialising. 

Saying “remember when” and going on to try to relive a moment that is in every way gone, just by describing it word for word. But let me tell you something that may fuck it up for you; when you “remember” something, you’re not reliving or recreating it exactly as it happened, you’re actually remembering it how you last remembered it.

I’m saying that word a lot, do you ever say something so much that it starts to lose its meaning? 

Now think of last night or last weekend; what happened? What did you do? Did you go out? Did you stay in? Did you get drunk? Or did you spend time with your family? Those big details are easy to remember; they’re the titles of books or songs, they’re the names of paintings or poems, they’re the headlines that you see scrolling across the bottom of the screen during the news (Those are called crawls by the way). 

But remembering (there’s that fucking word again) every aspect about them takes amounts of concentration and attention to detail that most people don’t pay to things so mundane. Don’t get me wrong, you will remember your favourite song or poem word for word, and you may be able to quote your favourite book or describe in detail your favourite painting without having to take a peek at the original, but you can’t do that with everything, not perfectly.

Things like books or songs are easy to remember, they have a solid point of reference. You have something you can go through to refresh your memory so you know exactly how they go, we don’t really have that with real life. We can take pictures or videos but those are snapshots from a single perspective and as clear as they may be, they can’t show you everything. 

And we can remember what happened, every detail seeming as clear as day in our heads, but if we don’t have something to correct us, something to remind and guide us then those memories can change and before you know it, the new version becomes the permanent one. A single detail altered gets its place in your recollections and is treated as if it were the truth. Another may be added and the memory becomes even more corrupt, more untrue, and more insincere, soon becoming lies if they’re allowed to go far enough. 

Remember that the next time you decide to reminisce…

Or don’t.

Memories will have you wishing that a lot of things were different, but thinking like that will get you nowhere, and no-one wants to be nowhere. We all want somewhere we can belong; a home, a family, friends, and a sense of purpose. Even with everything that could go wrong, even with all the bad experiences we’ve had and the good ones we’ve missed out on, it is vital that we do not allow our attitudes towards life and all the good it holds to be stained. I’ve spent nearly the entirety of this piece schmoozing about corrupted memories but maybe they aren’t so bad.

Maybe your mind changing things to make them seem better is a good thing, sometimes. It’ll leave you just a bit more ignorant of the truth and a little more optimistic about the future. Maybe if you think things were good you’ll start to believe that they could be better, and things will be better. This year you’ll be happier, you’ll laugh longer and louder, and you’ll cry but you’ll feel better when you’re done. You’ll love harder and more completely, you’ll be loved the same way, you’ll get the time you need with the people you love and work won’t seem like the shit-show that it is. It may not seem that way right now if things aren’t going your way, but remember that we’re only two weeks in to a whole new year. That’s less than 4 minutes of the length of the average movie; we’re not even through the title sequence, the best of 2018 is yet to come.

Wake up, walk out, & move mountains.