The Last Word : In Perpetuum Et Unum Diem

The end of the year is a good time for lasts, so here’s one last piece.

You know what’s beautiful? The way someone’s eyes light up and sparkle when they talk about something or someone they love or are passionate about. It is, by far, one of the purest things to witness, a person getting that excited just to talk and share about what keeps them going, the things or people that inspire them and what just fills them with wonder. 

It isn’t often seen, so if you get the opportunity to, cherish it. Because unlike the last time you hung out or spent time with someone you love before they passed on, it’s possible to realise the significance of those moments before they’re gone.

These days, a lot of people are guarded, they have walls around them higher than the one Trump wants Mexico to build and it’s only once in a blue moon that they’ll share what they keep inside. It’s the kind of thing that I’d feel extremely privileged to be chosen for, unless they somehow have a passion for murder or something else along those lines… Then I really need to question what it is about me that made them feel that that is the kind of thing they could share with me, not that it’s already happened…

English is weird, how is “that” used consecutively like that proper? And how’s that for misdirection, but I digress. 

We all have our hang-ups and personal peeves. You could be the kind of person that asks questions during a movie. That kind of thing annoys most people, or at least I’d like to think so, because if not then I’m even weirder than I thought I was.

How am I, a person who is also watching the same movie for the first time, qualified enough to answer your questions? If you’re lost or confused about what’s happening, then how much better do you think I’m doing?

I know it’s maddening to sit there wondering why one character is doing one thing when you’re thinking they should be doing something else, but you know what’s worse. Being interrupted and getting asked things you have neither the information nor the inclination to answer. It’s the cinematic equivalent of being stuck in a hole and asking someone else in there with you, to climb out and pull you up. 

But that’s enough of that, because I feel like I’m losing you here. Are you wondering where I’m going with this ramble? Well, unlike the plots and storylines you’ve missed out on, this isn’t actually going anywhere.

Reading this is a bit like following me on Twitter or Instagram, there isn’t some grand lesson I’m leading you to, we’re just a bunch of people following each other trying to talk when no-one wants to listen and all I really want to do is highlight the contrast between talking about something you love, and something you can’t stand.

The difference? You shouldn’t feel guilty for asking someone to stop when whatever they’re talking about isn’t particularly positive or constructive.

This isn’t because we’re oh so sensitive and our fragile constitutions should be protected at all costs from anything that isn’t rainbows and butterflies. It’s because much like the questions asked during movies by the lost, some things just aren’t worth saying.

But you know what is?

The “thank you’s” and all the other words you’ve been dying to say to someone all year, shoot your shot. Tell that guy or girl that you’ve been feeling that you want the chance to make them happy, take a leap and do something you’ve always wanted to do. It doesn’t matter when you do it; and it being the end of the year won’t make it easier or give you a better chance of a good outcome, but there really is no time like right now. In the words of Master Oogway from Kung Fu Panda, it is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

So take the present like the gift it is and make the most out of it, appreciate it and let your life appreciate with it.

The end of the year is a good time for lasts and not to sound ominous, but here are my last words. Use these last few days and leave all the negativity you’ve been hoarding where it belongs, in the past. Go into the New Year the person you want to be; better than yesterday, better than what people think you are and better than what you thought you could be. Make 2o17 the last time you waste yours or someone else’s time, stop leading that person on and if the reverse is true, stop letting yourself be led on. Wake up and realise that the stink isn’t your top lip but all the shit you shouldn’t hold on to, and as difficult as the truth may be to hear, acknowledged or learn from, it’s what you have to do.

And what I have to do is thank you; whether we’re family, acquaintances or friends, both new and old. Thank you for the smiles and the good times, to the long nights and the days that ended all too soon. Thank you for being you and most of all for taking the time to read this, words written don’t mean anything unless they’re seen.

So do better because know you know better, prosper, take no bullshit and eat your pineapples.

Happy New Year, be good.

Oh and the title is Latin for “Forever and a day”

And here’s the second last sunset of 2o17…

2017: Bibere Venenum in Auro

I’d call you a piece of shit but that’d only serve to insult the manure that fertilizes the plants and trees that produce the oxygen that you thieve.

I mean breathe, I meant to say breathe.

Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself that maybe they’re the human form of a headache? The really fucked up ones that come up behind your eyes and make you feel like you can somehow see sound. They hurt like the devil and make it seem like everyone around you simultaneously decided to be louder than a phone someone forget to turn off at a funeral, and isn’t that annoying?

You’re there paying your respects and all of a sudden your ears get assaulted by some asinine “song” because “ring ring” just isn’t good enough for some people. People try to be unique in the most trivial of ways, feigning individuality for the sake of appearances when really they’re no different from the rest of the morons that believe everything they’re told. They seem intelligent on the surface, but attempting to converse with them and prod beneath the exterior is like taking a gulp of what you assumed was whisky but turns out to just be tea; bland, lukewarm tea.

Disappointment is a bitch.

But I have no problem with tea, my problem is with the things and people that pretend to be things they aren’t. They seem to be one thing but turn out to be another; cookies with raisins in them that look like chocolate chips, people that pretend to be nice but gossip about you at the first chance they get, people whose views and opinions vary depending on who they’re around, and western countries who used to be colonies that somehow don’t accept immigrants or refugees now.

I could go on for an age listing things downs but they would all pale in comparison to 2017 right, the worst good year of my life, so far. I know it may seem trifling to single out a single time period because I know I’ve had worse years, but the thing about 2017 is that it just couldn’t decide if it was going to be bad or good.

It has been a wild one that’s for sure and I have had a lot of fun, but it’s nearly over and for the first time in a while, I just want it to end. I want 2017 to be past so I can move along to the future and hopefully, better things. It has been a roller-coaster, I’ve had some of the highest highs and lowest lows, which sounds really cliché because it is, because sometimes life turns into a giant cliché just to fuck with you.

So let me tell you about everything that’s happened this year; the good, the bad and the downright disgusting. It’s been a befuddling tapestry of what-ifs, should-have-beens and fuck-its. I’ve lost friends, been chastised for some of the most inane things and cut people off that have tried to come back into my life, like a few ex-girlfriends.

I should stop right there though, any story that begins with an ex never leads anywhere good.

A bit like salad, unless you’re throwing it away.

Pessimism and negativity have been the staple of the year and I am sure that like me, you’re sick of it. It’s tiring to constantly hear, read and see things that only distort and haze what could be a beautiful picture, and depicting the last 11 and a half months in any shape or form will have you split between wanting to relive it and let go.

But is that really what we should do when we could be learning from and relishing everything that has happened. Every single thing. Everything you hated taught you something that you needed to learn and everything you loved made you realise that life could still be beautiful. The contrast may be daunting and the good may be difficult to see when darkness always begins with a distractingly gorgeous sunset, but the thing about those is that they never really begin or end. The sun is always setting somewhere in the world and what you’re seeing is merely the clearest way to watch the world turn, it’s just your turn to be in the dark for a while.

Your turn to be a little patient while someone else enjoys the spectrum in the sky. Your turn to switch on your lights while just over the horizon someone is watching the sky glow with the one they love. Your turn to have a little darkness while colours light up someone else’s life, who knows, they may need it more than you do. Whatever the case, while you’re in the dark, always remember that even though the night may not be your favourite time of day, it at least it makes the stars easier to see.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering what the title means, it’s Latin for “Drink poison from a cup of gold”

Sunsets and Regrets

Did you even notice how quickly a sunrise or sunset can change? One minute you’re looking at a sky awash with colours you swear you only see when the day breaks or ends and the next, you’re staring at a piercing blue or suffocating black. If that isn’t like being happy I don’t know what is.

Have you ever sat up with someone you love or just someone you’re getting to know, talking about everything under the sun under the stars when the sun starts to rise. Getting caught up in your conversation and their words like the clouds catch the light when the sun comes over the horizon. There’s something about watching the sun rise that brings an out an overwhelming feeling of peace, the kind that you need after you’ve been hurt or disappointed.

It doesn’t last, it can’t, or it just won’t. It’s a sneak peak into what life could be if you were really content, a cruel preview into a world you can’t grasp yet, or one you had and lost. Still mornings like this can remind you of so many things, be it the people you love and have, the ones you’ve loved and lost, or the one you’re falling for.

I say this because when I had what I wanted, I didn’t think or write this way. It took loss and grief for me to be able to word things eloquently enough for you to want to keep reading, and that’s sad.

It’s sad in the way that I gained something good only because I went through something I never wanted to. I’ve had to have my heart ripped out and trampled on, staining the pavement before I could learn how to make ANY sort of marks in your heads. And that’s the stupid thing about  being one of the “creative types”, pain makes us better. 

A friend recently sent me a song she had written. A beautiful piece about letting go and moving on, not for the writer, but anyone trying to get to know or hold on to her. It reminded me of how annoyingly comforting it feels to have walls up and to not let anyone in. I don’t have a lot of regrets but letting someone past those walls is a big one.

That doesn’t mean I won’t again, I can’t say that for sure. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and decide that I’m going to give someone the chance to fuck me up all over again, and they won’t. Maybe next time will work out. Maybe next time will be the first time that something that feels “too good to be true” isn’t, and it’s just too good not to have.

It’s nearly time for the sun to rise up now, maybe it’s time you do the same. Maybe it’s time you look around instead of looking back, and hold your head high instead of down. Maybe it’s time you stop worrying about everyone else’s intentions, and concern yourself only with yours. I know what other people do does matter and it will affect you, but how you react with and deal with that matters more. 
Just like you.