Aegri somnia vana

Sometimes a little advice would be nice, you know?
Things get tough and life gets hard, so what am i supposed to do? Grow?
I know that’s how it should go, and maybe I’m just stuck for a bit.
But I can’t help feeling that it’d be best if I just… Quit.

Quit and not look back ever, because let me tell you, this fucking sucks.
I don’t even know what “this” is supposed to be, when did life get so tough?
It’s rough because there’s really only one person I want to talk to, but I can’t.
They wouldn’t even have to actually help, just being around would be… Enough.

And that’s all we really want, right? To just not come up short, for once.
Just one time not feel like I’m missing something, just once I’d like to be enough.
The problem is I don’t know what that is, I get to the end and the goals fucking changed.
What am I supposed to do when i can’t see where I’m headed? Every time I look up, it’s a different horizon, same day.

So yeah a little advice would be nice, it would actually really help.
Maybe a little support if you could, maybe a bit of a break as well.
That’d be swell, but I don’t see that coming true.
I’m just a bit burnt out anyway, disregard, shall we find out what else i can put myself through?

wrong/write

she says i’m wrong with a smile but never means it
won’t ever tell me i’m right but i can tell from her eyes
oh she’s not one to confide, no not her feelings
wants me just reading her mind
yeah, she’s exactly my type

Fluctuat nec mergitur.

Pareidolia

You might be the sweetest peach on the tree, but some people just don’t like peaches. You might be the most clear with every word that you speak, but I’ve met people that want confusion. I’ve met people that seek out the chaos, it was like looking into a mirror. Then i saw how they were just searching for some passion, but they just couldn’t see the difference.

Last year was a bit fucked, and not just because the world got even more sick. Last year I realised too much, there’s always a price to knowing more than you’re prepared take in. I miss not knowing some things, I feel like that’s a kind of peace we never get back. Ignorance really is bliss, so this year, do I try to return to that?

I sat and watched parts of my life burn, not moving a muscle. Because by then I realised it was me that struck that match, so maybe the razing was a bit of welcome trouble.

2021 was tunneled, but vision never settled on what to do, only where I was heading. Now I get here and the views a lot less muddled, but this isn’t what I pictured in the beginning. Yes, the end felt like winning but I don’t know if it was worth the price. Stupid of me to say when I wasn’t the one paying, even worse that I know anything less being paid would have sufficed.

Enticed by the prize, nothing short of that would have been tolerable. Nothing less than what we feel we deserve would have satisfied, but so much good was obtainable. Honourable wasn’t the way, faultful were the games we played. Nothing escaped, everything pure got sucked into a trap, then got drained.

So I really don’t know what I’m saying, or even if I have a message in mind. These are, again, just words put to page, hopefully you get more from this, than I. Because now that it’s over I know without any doubts, I took more than I gave. It’s hindsight you see, you can’t live in the night if you’re longing for the day.

Pneuma

Do you ever wonder if thinking deeply about the world allows you to see more, or less of it? I mean, we can’t have just been made to spend our days just thinking about things.

Right?

It’s been more than a year since I’ve posted anything here, I don’t even remember what I wrote. I’ve spent the last twelve months telling people that ask, that I still write, but I really just, don’t.

The only sentences I’ve strung together have been on e-mails or the bullshit Twitter threads, no, I don’t know why I’m back here. Because I’ve put more thought into memes than into the paragraphs I’ve typed for people on this little screen; is it fear?

Could be.

It’s the roaring twenties as they call it and the start gave me a lot of think about, but to be honest you won’t see a lot of that written. Because I’ve become obsessed with progress and moving on and just taking that next step, I just realised I left people behind.

Maybe.

Maybe that’s just what we tell ourselves when we don’t feel the connections there, when we think it’s fading away. Maybe it’s better when we think we can control things like that, but do we really not have any say?

Because maybe the lines don’t get severed and they’re just a little frayed. Maybe they’re not really forever, we just have to make new ones every day.

So they fade when we don’t put in the work, but the effort takes time. The longer we let it go on, the further away we fly.

And maybe it’s always been this way, because I really don’t know where this is going. All I know is that I’m moving forward, and there are zero ways I’m about to start slowing.

But there are an infinity of things to look back at, do you think they’re worth the time? If being stuck is the cost of nostalgia, is it too high a price? Is it too high a hill to climb to want it both ways? Can we really keep moving forward, while we keep looking back at the “Good old days”?

Out of the Ashes: Cineri gloria sera venit.

It is out of the ashes that the phoenix rises; but that does not have to be you.

Severely sleep deprived but here I am, at work at 6:30 in the morning. Struggling to keep my eyes from shutting, mind; dead, and barely able to keep myself from yawning. I’m calling this a good work ethic but really, I just like having something to do. Even if that something is too much, I don’t question it. Its too soon.

It’s almost noon and I’ve only written 79 words; One paragraph and a sorry excuse of a title, but it’s really been a blur. Something to do and a distraction, you know how some people get hammered to dull the pain? Some of us don’t, some take a different escape.

But hey, don’t be fooled, it’s all the same; the days still break and the nights will keep going on for days. We may head different ways, rewrite directions and the games, but it’s only ourselves that we play. No matter the route, we end up in the same place.

So, what should we change? Let us go back to that stupid title.

It is out of the ashes that the phoenix rises; but that does not have to be you. What I mean is that I know that you’re strong, but it isn’t the pain that makes you, you.

A week and a bit later, Saturday, I’m stuck in the office, but this is my own doing. Still sleep deprived, a thousand trains of thought crossing my mind, but let’s get through this. You know, people can be great without this struggle, the self-imposed muddle, and you can too. We all go through hard times, but the “need to” does not brighten our shines, it’s just the dark that make any glow look like a blinding hue.

Did you know that lemons wouldn’t have happened on their own? They aren’t natural. Somewhere along the way someone thought combining a bitter orange, and a citron would be great, even if its a bit unusual. Life never gave us lemons, we made them ourselves. It’s like how it’s said we have our own demons, be it the real or imagined ones, but have you ever considered that you might be creating your own hell?

It’s Sunday now and yes, I am still at my desk, though at least now I’ve gotten some sleep. I am still tired and this life is still doing in my mind, disappointed that writing does not give me the same relief.

Whelve – To bury something deep; to hide.

Now, what did you bury this year?

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted anything here but, is this really a need? It’s been an age since I’ve had anything worth sharing, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve given you anything to read.

It’s been too long since I’ve talked to you, and that is absolutely on me. I can’t even remember what I last said to you, not a sentence or even a word made it through, and now, the difference between me then and now; you will see.

Believe me, I really have tried.

Okay, no, that’s a lie.

You see, this year has been great and I haven’t needed to be back. I got myself purpose in spades, life is good and the future is on track.

But that’s changed.

A few minutes ago I had reality smack me in the face, in all honesty I didn’t want to get back to this. I thought I was done with this page, on to another, but, I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it.

“iTs sUpPoSEd tO bE gEt oVeR tHe bRiDge” Well, this is called a malaphor; it’s a fucking blend of idioms. Im pretty sure I told you this before, either that or I’m remembering wrong, that does happen a lot. Hopefully though, this disappointment is premium.

This is one of those times when all I’m thinking is, I shouldn’t have tried so damn hard. Minimal effort for the same reward, not doing my best, not trying at all, and I would have ended up right here. Just my fucking luck.

Yeah, I’m frustrated, but let’s bury that for a bit. Because holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, it’s like ike thinking someone else is going to start choking, just because your throat got slit.

So yes, it’s been a while since I’ve said anything to you, but the universe isn’t in a rush. And I don’t really think it matters how long it’s been; it could be decades, years, or months. Even if you’ve changed and don’t like what you read, even if I’m different and these words aren’t what you need, maybe they’ll just be enough.

I’ve heard a lot of things said this year, things that have forced me to learn. And yeah, I’ve said my fair share, and told people things that have no meaning or are at best, blurred. Did you pay attention to the things you heard? Did you really understand what people meant when they spoke? I know you understand the words, but did you hear all the stories those words evoked?

Even the good should be taken with some salt, because it is only they that can mislead. Now here’s where I tell you all that I know, hopefully these are the things you need to read.

So, do you want to talk about it? Or would you rather a distraction?

Take a minute to think about that while I go off on a tangent, we’ll circle back in time. I know I’ve said many things I haven’t gone through yet, but this won’t be over for a while. So it’s fine to think times running out, and maybe you’re right and it is. But that shouldn’t be all you worry about, if so, there will be so much that you will miss.

Because this isn’t all there is, there could be a thousand things left to come. You may have seen a lot in the time that you’ve lived, but if you haven’t felt alive in a while yet, I promise you, you’re not done. You’re young and this life is so much more than what you’ve seen, give it a chance. No matter how many times you’ve been around the sun, don’t feign; of the this life, you’ve only caught a glance.

You’ve seen a speck of the world so far, a lot of it still hides. There are sunsets and sunrises you haven’t stared at, people and places you haven’t been to or met yet, rush out into the world and open your eyes. Realise how little we know, and I’m not saying that to condescend. Just try to go through life with a little wonder in your eyes, make regret the one thing that you never have.

Because 2019 is nearly over and I think you should look at how far youve come. It could have been bad and you may have lost a lot, but you made it through; you won.

So take the win for what it really is, a chance for you to take your breath. I know that may be difficult but, stay still, breathe and try to relax. Thats what you need, this is what you deserve. Some time out from beating yourself down all day, teach that to yourself. Life wont force you to learn.

You’ll burn up before you should, if you keep going the way you do. You worry about what you did or didn’t, but who can change the past? Not you.

Now here’s something I’ve been thinking about, and just a warning, it’s not anything profound. It may be something you’ve heard before, may even be something you’ve thought about. I’m sure you’ve heard of the butterfly effect, how insignificant acts can have effects that can be vast. How it’s talked about in time-travel, how you’re supposed to be careful lest you change the present while you’re in the past.

By doing something small when you’re there, you may not recognise what you see when you come back. Now why don’t we think the same of our acts in the present? Remember, no matter how small you think what you do is right now, it’s impossible to know your effects.

What I’m saying is, change the future today, dont wait for tomorrow. Don’t wait for next year or for some sort of sign, time is the one thing we cannot borrow. Do the little things now even if you cant see where they lead, maybe it’ll work out somehow. And in the middle of all that work, take time to breathe, there’s no better time for that, than right now.

It’s out of the ashes that the phoenix rises, but that does not have to be you. Learn to be more than your pain, you’re worth far more than the things you’ve been through.

“Cineri gloria sera venit”

An epigram of Martial.

Literal meaning: “To the ashes glory is too late.”

Abiit nemine salutato

It’s been six years and it hasn’t changed a thing.

2191 days since it happened and I still feel the same, maybe worse; when does the healing begin?

It’s been 2190 days since I found out and had the world knocked out from under me. 52,564 hours have passed and, you know when you just want an end?

Well, let’s start there and let me ask, is this really working for you?

Now what was the first thing that popped into your mind? Blurt out your thoughts or write them down, try not to hold everything in. Even if you’re the only person listening to you right now, you don’t really need an outside ear to start to mend. But maybe you don’t need that, maybe you’re perfectly okay. If you’re in that place right now I hope you stay there somehow, I hope you’re there for the rest of your days.

But hey, it’s okay if you’re not okay.

So do you want to talk about it or would you rather a distraction? Do you want advice or do you just want to vent? We start up conversations in our heads when we do, but maybe you could ask someone to just listen. Maybe all you need is a friend. A real friend, and that’s usually someone you’ll be the same to, don’t take them down a one-way street of your suffering, if they’re there for you, be there for them.

Ask someone for an ear and they might just tell you that you need to get over it, but don’t listen. This is difficult and you might be struggling but you’ve done difficult things before and I believe in you, don’t pay them any undue attention. And this isn’t wisdom but empathy, even if I don’t know exactly how you feel. We all struggle and we all have our difficulties, keep going and try not to believe it when someone says what you feel isn’t real.

All vibes are welcome here, not just the good. We deal with them all, one way or another we should. We could just welcome the positive and expect the bad to never come, but they’ll show up anyway and we’ll get stuck, we can’t really run. Because you can’t run from what’s inside, to do that would mean you lose you. You lose yourself and then what? Do you think that that’s how someone gets through?

And it’s probably really hard to see any good in this situation, but we can still make sense of it. Now we’re on to collective preservation, not everyone for themselves, not trampling each other rushing for the exits. And that’s it, no secrets, just everything out in the open. Just not for the world to see, just yours and the ones whose souls have spoken.

Because the soul will show you the truth, you’ll see what’s real. And it’s not just the things that will reveal themselves, the people come clean.

So if it doesn’t make you smile, don’t bother; because there’s always some good in the bad. Life gets tough and you’ll falter, but you’ll get to everything you ever wished you had.

52,565 hours have passed and I still don’t know where this is heading. I know it starts and I’m a little clueless about the present, but just like you will, I’ll keep going.

Remember when you had a sense of humor? A fronte praceipitium a tergo lupi

I used to have a sense of humor, or at least that’s what some would say. Now I don’t laugh at the things that I used to; I thought you were funny yesterday. But last night I learned, while you slept I gained knowledge, while you dreamt I was thinking, and when you awoke I was conscious.

Conscious but not just literally, this is every sense of the word. I’ll lose sleep at every chance I get, if only to learn more of the world. The more that I discern, the easier it is to see my ignorance, there is still the same amount of the me you knew, I just have a much lower tolerance.

Tolerance of ignorance and just plain bullshit, you claim to be progressing but you’re so much closer to the opposite. Think about what you laugh at, when you claim to be “just joking”. Do you think the world exists for your amusement? What the fuck are you smoking?

I’m hoping your judgement isn’t just cloudy at best, is this really your ceiling? I hope for a more common sense, don’t you want something with a little more meaning. I’m leaning towards the former, because a little really isn’t enough. Get yourself a few solid principles, and try to keep to them even when it gets tough.

This isn’t the love of my ego; I’m not trying to say I’m better than you. What I want to say is that I’m a better me, don’t you want that too? Do it for you and not for me, something isn’t good just because someone else claims it to be. Be a better you than you were yesterday; don’t try to make it a race against me.

I hope you see that you may lose yourself, trying to keep pace with another. There is only so much I can do to help; life will be your instructor. You need to learn your own lessons, however harsh, that’s how we survive. Your teachers will knock you down, existence will toss you around, but you my friend, you will thrive.

I will help when I can sometimes, just don’t take me too seriously. Because at the best of times I’m on the edge about to stumble off, and sometimes I’m leaping voluntarily. Eventually you’ll get there; it’s still progress no matter the size of your steps. Take it one day at a time, don’t force your smiles, and don’t keep asking yourself if you’re there yet.

Take a breath, breathe.

Again; release.

It doesn’t have to be easy; it just has to be possible. And I know for a fact that it is, if I can do it, you will be unstoppable. You will be a force to be reckoned with, you will be the change. You will be the one the world is watching, today is your day.

So take, but give back, and don’t tell me to get a sense of humor. Don’t make jokes to try to prove that you’re funny; do not taint the purity of laughter. You’re further ahead of you yesterday, but this isn’t the end of the road. Even if you feel blinded right now, the signs will show themselves somehow, all you have to do is follow.

The literally translation of the title is “A precipice in front, wolves behind”, it can also mean “Between a rock and a hard place.”

Something, nothing & everything: Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur (Pt.5)

It’s always sunshine after the rains with everyone else, waiting on the rainbow. But have you ever been in the centre of the storm, it’s more beautiful than anyone could know. It’s the light that the world longs for, but the night holds its own secrets. Not the the kind you shy away from, they’re the ones to make you forget even your deepest regrets.

You’re the eye of the storm I chased, without even knowing. I sought an escape from the cold, from the flame, but instead found a twin that wouldn’t succumb to the winds howling. The screams drowning what could have been cries of distress, it could have sounded like calls for help. But in the calm you can hear; these are the cries of longing, a thirst for the hurricane to quell.

As much as we enjoy places of comfort, the people that feel safe. I’ve always thought chaos to be beautiful, even if I hadn’t seen it’s face. I raced for the chance to grasp it, even though I knew it wouldn’t be safe. It stays for nothing and for no-one, the heavenly leave destruction in their wake.

The face I got to see was like nothing I could have envisioned. The eyes told stories that hadn’t yet taken place, the lips whispered beauty that stayed long after the mask had withered. I lingered just to see, with no intention to stay. I let the storm claim me, once I had seen your face, I could not look away.

I wouldn’t have tried to stay, but this is what we need. A life that needs no escape; belonging, peace in the hurricanes wake. I found you and my place, but you’re the one that kept me. I was nothing if not relieved, to be myself because you let me.

So I chased and caught up, lost but you returned. Set free in the wind and seas, through the cold our flames still burned. The waves churned and drove me back, did we get split down the centre? The odds against us stacked, we persevered and the winds withered.

And I said it wasn’t my place anymore, that I had to leave it all to fate. Faith that what happened was for the best, faith that you would be not just, but more than okay. Assurance I could not chase, but I was just in denial. We all know storms cannot be tamed, and you’re one that had to stay in the wild.

We avoided one another for too long, only to come right back. Maybe it was for the best, or maybe it didn’t have any effect. Whichever it was, I wrote this for you, and I know that you did read. Because I typed these letters out but you’re the one that spoke them aloud; without you, this wouldn’t be.

Without you this would be an empty page; the heart, a vacant space. Without you this would have been a bit boring, I would have played it safe. But I love the chaos and that’s what you are, the whisper within the hurricane. It went against all sense to chase you this far, but what did you always say? “I’m glad you came”.

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur.

Translation: We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving.
-Syrus

Written for a friend.

Something, nothing & everything: Fluctuat nec mergitur (Pt.4)

We started off as strangers giving each other looks, stopping by with likes on profiles, it’s weird, the things we do. We went from strangers to just talking, talking led to being just friends, friendship gave way to the attraction, it was inevitable in the end.

You asked if I rememberd, if I tried to forget when we decided to listen to sense. Could I recall when we first spoke? Do I remember when we first met? Darling, how could I forget, did you believe that I could? I know I said that the past should be left and moved on from, but did you really expect that I would?

Even if things have changed with everything that led to a break, why did it happen that way? Not everything stayed the same even if we were happy that way, we were strong but so was change. But it is strange how this went full circle, we ended up at the start again. I thought another meant repetition but it brought a new beginning, forgotten wounds had time to help mend.

So this is better now, yes? Remembering brand new conversations, dreams, no more what-if’s.

You said I knew your mind better than you know yours, how ever did I see? When people only saw the surface, a book closed; you opened up to me. A wave encasing a boat, stuck on a seas I hoped were’t just skin deep, gasping for something I don’t quite know, you’re all I want to breathe.

You said you don’t want to belong to anyone, how you’re meant to be free. How you’re not one to be caged and loved, but I’m not the type that keeps. You misunderstood I think, when I told you I think we belong. I am not the anchor and you won’t sink, I’m just a man wading down a river, & you’re the waterfall.

And I’m going to pay for falling for you, with something corny like the rest of my days. I’ll keep losing sleep just because you’re with me, why would I want to dream? Reality is better anyway.

Fluctuat nec mergitur.

Translation: It is tossed by the waves but it does not sink.
-Unknown

Something, nothing & everything: Qui non vult fieri desidiosus, amet (Pt.3)

How did you get your mind like that? Tell me how you see things the way you do? When did you start to become who you are? Why am I so drawn to you? It could be something, nothing or everything you do, sometimes it’s the things you say. It could have been every single time you led me through your mind; today, we find out what else I blame.

You see, for a moment we were just two souls sitting under billions of stars, falling in love. For a moment all that mattered was the slight pressure of your hand next to mine, that’s how it starts. That’s how it begins and fuck it was beautiful, getting to stare into your eyes. Corny? I know, but don’t be so critical, just let me waste a bit more of your time.

So, what’s changed this time? We’ve strayed from the last piece’s last line, why does the story seem different? Well, I couldn’t really tell you why, not in a single sentence or rhyme; just be patient, I’m sure by the end you’ll get it. And even if you don’t, there’s no need to fret, these are only my thoughts and a few feelings. There isn’t much else to know, not without having our covers blown, but this is a better story with our names missing.

No names, but can you guess what I’d like to know? Tell me what you have on your mind. You already know what’s on mine, I couldn’t change that if I tried, now, where to from here can I go?

There’s an idea about how we create the world in our minds, everything that we see as reality. How what we’re clear about are just thoughts, projected to give our lives a course, maybe a road and a little stability. If this is fact then it questions everything that I know, every single thing I think to be true. All the people & every place, every memory, every face; they’re all in my mind, what can I trust as truth.

This is called solipsism and I know what you’re thinking, “what the fuck am I going on about? How did it get to this? What happened to love? What did I miss?” Just wait, this is going somewhere, hold your doubts.

So if I doubt what I see, even if I’m the creator, what could be the point of the world that I made? There is so much that’s wrong, am I the one at fault? Even if there’s beauty, is it all a charade?

No, wait.

I look at it this way, if the world is indeed what I made, there is something I need you to know. Out of all the chaos that the mind creates, somehow you became, somehow in all the dark you began your glow. If this is all my imagination how did I think of you? Someone so painfully perfect. I cannot begin to comprehend but I’m amazed that I found you in the end; this world is madness, but you darling, you’re worth it.

Qui non vult fieri desidiosus, amet.

Translation: Let the man who does not wish to be idle, fall in love.
-Ovid, Amorum. I. 9. 46.